Responsibility For vs. Responsibility To
To neighbor well (to love one's neighbor as yourself) requires a mature handling of personal responsibility, rather than hard and fast rules. Hayley and Vince share from their experiences and from the Christian tradition along these lines. (Photo: Derick Mckinney on Unsplash)
SPEAKER NOTES
Responsibility For vs. Responsibility To
Intro
- So we are continuing to talk about neighboring for the month of January - this is our shorthand that we use for following Jesus’ greatest commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself”
- Neighboring - this active practice of participating in community, responding to the needs of others and also, being willing to be vulnerable in receiving help
- Fostering this sense of mutual dependence, we need one another
- And as Vince talked about last week, neighboring well requires the inner work of knowing when to say yes and when to say no, listening and discerning what we are being called to do in our communities, in our world
- And while validating our feelings and weighing the pros and cons are part of the decision making process, prayer and collaboration with God are key
- We have a loving God as a partner in neighboring. An active God that is calling us forward to engage in ways that draw upon our strengths and allow us to be the full versions of ourselves
Today: picking up some loose threads and continuing the discussion around neighboring-
So Vince, something that came up in conversation that I found really helpful was distinguishing between being responsible for and being responsible to. Can you walk us thru this idea?
Responsible for vs. responsible to
- Imagine a continuum
- Closer to Responsible For
- Myself, my promises, my actions, the consequences of my actions
- Further out on the continuum, but still closer to “for” — My most personal relations, those “in my charge” or “given to me” or “promised to me” — spouses & young children, and (in some cases) older children, siblings & parents
- For those I have some power over (if you’re a boss or supervisor or leader or owner of something for example)
- Closer to Responsible To
- In most cases this is older children, siblings, parents
- people in my communities and groups, coworkers, church friends, to my environment, my literal neighbors
- to someone before asking for help or serving me at a restaurant
- And furthest toward “to” I’m responsible to my neighbors afar, especially those suffering or in need
- To show them dignity and personhood, but not “for” them — I need not bear responsibility as though God has not put them in my charge
- Real life Example
- I can imagine for you — last week you talked about feeling hyper-responsible — that the process is often more starting with feeling like you’re responsible for everything and then being able to pause and recognize oh maybe this is a to and not a for. Does that feel true?
- Could you give us an example of understanding the difference between to and for?
- Vince - an extended family member who I used to exhaust myself carrying so much responsibility for their mood and decisions… BUT the way out of that exhaustion wasn’t to wipe my hands clean and stop feeling any responsibility (which is why I like this distinction, because that doesn’t feel right, but sometimes the way our broader cultural conversation around boundaries happens that seems like the only alternative) — it was rather to commit to being responsible to them — to showing up best I can for them when they’re around or when they call, but reminding myself their choices are not my responsibility to initiate or anticipate.
Question- can we be responsible for anyone/thing beyond ourselves and our own actions? As a parent I think it feels natural for the “for” to extend over young kids as well - that’s an extension of your actions (how you love, how you model, how you parent)- you’ve got direct influence and responsibility there.
But when it comes to other familial relationships - spouse, parents, siblings? Is that a responsible to?
- Love this question - I think it’s a classic “it depends” — generally in western cultures that value independence, ethics would probably say you’re responsible “to” spouses, parents, siblings, adult children; but in cultures that value more interdependence like in Latin America or in parts of Asia and Africa, ethics would probably say you’re responsible “for”. There isn't a better ethic; how families work and how one shows love is going to be culturally bound always, and that’s okay.
- I guess it prompts more self-reflection for us all about how we want to live, what values we want to uphold. In some ways Keziah and I do go more toward interdependent values than a lot of our peers in an American city, but in other ways we’re pretty typical.
- Different seasons may require different responsibilities too. Like if you’re caring for an aging parent nearing their end, I think that’s more appropriately responsibility for, but if you’re in your 20s and your parents are in good health, it’s probably more like responsibility to.
That’s helpful, that makes sense.
- Growing in self awareness, (maybe it seems like a pretty obvious starting place) but it really does involve actually taking responsibility for yourself -
- what you contribute in the world, your responses and reactions, your decisions
- It might seem obvious but I think it does require inner work
- Owning why you are the way you are
- Examining responsibility as a way to take us out of autopilot — what are the implications for the way I am navigating the world?
- We need to do the inner work of owning our self love, self care, self compassion — how our inner world extends to the outer world matters.
- Our work around self awareness informs our understanding of responsibility
- Because when we are more in tune with our limitations it’s easier to not try to take on the weight of the world on our shoulders
- It’s actually irresponsible to try to be all things to all people! I had a pastor give me a helpful reminder that your no can also be someone else’s yes (why we need community!)
- Read another reminder recently that you can’t claim to be self aware if you’re only aware of your flaws. So part of this understanding in awareness - in what you feel called to do, what you are responsible for/to - is being aware of your strengths! Your worth! All you have to offer - Love the database we are compiling for neighboring well, increasing awareness around the abundance we have to offer one another
[And “responsibility” can feel like tending to the difficult things - caring for someone who is sick, changing your behaviors because of your awareness around the climate disaster, acting in solidarity to lessen suffering. AND we also have responsibility for tending to things like joy and goodness.
In parenting recently, I’ve been thinking extra about how I am responsible for making sure my kids know I am proud of them, that they can be proud of themselves. I’m responsible for cultivating their sense of safety and joy, knowing they are loved. And that dynamic extends beyond our family
[side note: “can’t pour from an empty cup” thing we tell mostly women — Not my favorite metaphor. Feels really transactional. Also makes it seem like you get filled up (take care of self, rest so that you can pour out.) you have inherent worth on your own, not dependent on how empty you can make yourself
What/who you are responsible for will use up your energy, what/who you are responsible to can use up your energy - so how do you care for yourself well so that your way of acting in the world comes out of an overflow, instead of using up all you have.]
[Other side note: listening to audio book recently Why Am I Like This? Not as clear cut as what is self care and what is care for others— even just witnessing kindness can reduce stress. Performing acts of kindness can lessen anxiety and depression…]
Transition: Okay so we have self-awareness around being responsible to/for. I’d also love to chat more about our need for situational wisdom, not just general wisdom
More on our need for situational wisdom, not just general wisdom
- To bring in the Biblical tradition, we might say we need Ecclesiastes and the Psalms, not just Proverbs
- 21st century America LOVES Proverbs-type wisdom.
- This always works so do this and it will go well for you, or do this and it won’t.
- Ah yes, we love the instagramable quote or instruction that feels universally true
- But that’s general wisdom and it’s only half the story
- The Hebrew Bible has this interplay back and forth between general wisdom (proverbs) and more situational wisdom books like Ecclesiastes and Psalms — the two need each other
- We today are way more uncomfortable with dynamic, situational needs for wisdom, and often try to wrestle situations into Proverbs if we can,
- but that can lead to disenchantment (when proverbial wisdom fails)
- or explaining away injustice (when proverbial wisdom works for some but not others).
- 21st century America LOVES Proverbs-type wisdom.
Could you give us some examples?
::Examples::
Ecclesiastes 3
- There’s a time for everything under the sun passage
- Built on the foundational refrain of the book, in response to the way proverbial wisdom does not always work, that “life is meaningless!”
Psalm 32:
Do not be like the horse or the mule, who must be controlled by bit and bridle… But I will instruct you and guide you in the ways to go…
Psalm 16:7:
I will bless the Lord who counsels me; he gives me wisdom in the night.
Psalm 73:
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
An analogy for how the inner experience of situational wisdom feels (which someone taught me once and I’ve taught it to people a ton):
- God speaks in Yellow lights
- We often want green lights or red lights — go here, stop here (we want everything to be a proverb — put this in get this out)
- But life is much messier. Often life brings us situations where we could go or we could stop, it’s a yellow light.
- God’s guidance isn’t just God saying “trust me”; it’s also God saying “I trust you — I will be with you whether you go or stop at this light” — God’s guidance is not an all or nothing proposition
Yeah, I think often our love for just wanting clear, general wisdom is a product of anxiety .
If you are trying to navigate unpredictability and decision making, having a concrete plan may help you feel like you are more in control, you can attempt to predict how you will act, how you will feel, maybe even how others with act/feel.
But it takes trust - trusting yourself, trusting in others, trusting in a partnership with God — that you can show up, in the moment and make a decision that aligns with who you are.
You are fully capable of navigating what you chose to say yes to and what you need to say no to.
And you may even surprise yourself! Maybe anticipatory anxiety said there is no way I can give of myself in that way and then in the moment, you have the courage and passion to engage.
Brings up the Importance of listening to the body in understanding how to care for yourself well and how to neighbor well
This feels so important - as someone who is in general out of touch with their body, do you have some tips for me?
- Yes! And you’re not alone — not to womansplain - or maybe its just plain old explaining - but I think men are often even more out of tune with bodily cues and seeing the body as a source of wisdom. Women and nonbinary folks (out of necessity) are often more aware of their bodies because in a lot of settings we have to be.
- I’ve done a whole lot of reading around embodiment in the past year and one of the most important re-frames it’s given me is understanding that in our reactions, the feelings that arise in our bodies, our bodies are trying to communicate something valuable with us.
- So when we experience discomfort or pain or a stress response, instead of being frustrated with how we’re feeling or trying to ignore it, we can ask our bodies ”What are you trying to tell me?”
- Really pause and say “What are you trying to tell me?” And be grounded and present in your body
- Neighboring well isn’t just a cerebral process, it involves our whole bodies. And we see this in scripture in how Jesus had compassion for those who are suffering
- There’s a Greek term that comes up in some of the Jesus stories of the Bible - in parables like the Good Samaritan, healing stories, feeding and teaching crowds - Jesus had compassion for (whoever he was encountering) And scripture uses the word splanchnizomai
- I learned about this word from my friend Matt and a while back he actually joined me for a message at BLC so you may remember hearing about Splanchnizomai before
- Basically, it can be translated as having “gut-wrenching compassion”.
- Jesus experienced the suffering of others, felt their suffering in his own body, and out of compassion, brought about healing and restoration
- This translation is so embodied - an inner wrestling, stirring up, a physical feeling
- Maybe you’ve experienced this before - this inner churning (intuition, trust your gut). When we feel physically moved and compelled to act, follow that! listen to your body as a helpful teacher
- It can be really useful, if you are trying to discern how to navigate a situation, how to partner with others, how to care well.
- Take a moment. Pause. And say how does this feel in my body? What is my body trying to tell me?
- And one step further — something I’m still working on — to also stop and say “Thank you, body” for all that your body is trying to communicate.
- “Thank you, body” here would work in tandem with “Thank you, God”
- I want to push that even further to say God is speaking through the splanchnizomai your body is presenting to you
- I’ve been reading a book analyzing different ways people conceive of the relationship between God and the world —
- and the specific way I’ve taught our church before, because it makes most sense to connects to this embodied experience you’re sharing about here,
- It’s called panentheism
- Meaning all in God and God in all — it’s best pictured as two circles overlapping like a Venn diagram
- It says thay God is transcendent and immanent — God is beyond us and also within us — God is Spirit and embodied or incarnate.
- And human experience is both
- It breaks down the classical dualism that the spirit or the mind is good and eternal but the body is inferior…
- And it breaks down the modern dualism that the material is all there is and inner experience is just an illusion
- Instead both the physical and the mental are honored as valuable parts of every experience — as the sights of God’s interaction with us
- I read just last night from the theologian Sallie McFague “God is not available to us except as embodied” - as creatures with bodies. Which is obvious, and yet remains hidden to us. (I thought you’d love that, Hayley!)
- All to say, just like I suggested last week with not every thought in our minds being God speaking to us but that IS where God speaks — can we not say the same with the sensations of our body?
Practical help of being in community
- Community, especially Jesus-shaped community, helps remind us this all comes back to concrete relationships, not an ideal of “being a good person” that we perform for or demonstrate to the world.
- Our church’s solidarity team has been working on ways to try to help us live out responsibility for and to others in this church. And they’re asking us to help build out a neighboring database by filling out a form. It will go out by email for the second time today.
Prayer end
- Lead everyone in prayer to imagine continuum from “responsible for” to “responsible to” in their life