Become all you're meant to (Wk 4: Healing Un-Dealt With Pain) - Vince Brackett
SPEAKER NOTES
Context
For my talks here on Sundays this winter we’ve been talking about the undeniable human attraction to ::stories of leaving the ordinary for the special:: —>
- A character leaves their comfortable and default experience of life, or often life circumstances push them out
- And they enter into a big and sometimes scary new world full of risks, trials, and hardship…
- And they have to choose whether to succumb to despair and discouragement over the familiar that has been lost OR to courageously venture forward despite the risks…
- And, if they choose to venture forward, they discover that, along with the loss and risks, there is also new friendships, new purpose, personal transformation, spiritual fulfillment — they discover all that they’re meant to be, and all life is meant to be.
This is the pattern of so many of the hero’s journeys and fantasy stories that we all love (Star Wars, or The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter, to name a few that we’ve visited so far).
And we’ve been working this really rich theological idea that I love, which connects the departure-initiation-return pattern of these stories to the life that Jesus invites people into with his famous encouragements to follow him, to be his disciple, to pick up our crosses and consider his path a template for our own, to ::seek the Kingdom of God:: (the special world that is part of real life).
If we can trust in what we can not see — in what is beyond the ordinary of our lives and the world — if we can trust in the spiritual side of life, in Jesus’ Kingdom of God in our midst — then journeys of transformation are not just for our favorite characters from stories, they are for real life.
Today, my jumping off point is ::the movie Moana.::
Moana
Guys, Moana is so good.
It is such an inventive hero’s journey. Every good hero’s journey offers lots of hooks to connect with various character arcs and see ourselves as “on the same journey as so-and-so”, but the inventive thing about Moana is that, among the characters we find ourselves able to relate to, one of them is a mythological, god-like character — not one of the humans — very unexpected and interesting.
This god-like character is humanized, and it is beautiful and powerful. AND, as I’ll get into a little later, it shines an even brighter light on the hero of the story, Moana, which is also beautiful and powerful.
I want to watch one scene where we see this. To set the stage, Moana is on a mission to return to the island goddess Te Fiti her heart — a green stone — that many years ago had been stolen from her. Te Fiti had previously been a source of life for Moana’s people, but since her heart was stolen Te Fiti’s life source has become dormant.
::The primary obstacle:: that Moana comes up against is another god-like character, Te Ka, the lava monster, who is sort of the opposite of Te Fiti — not a life source, but a vicious destroyer, who is camped out in front of Te Fiti’s island, and who will let nothing pass.
The big reveal is (spoiler alert, I should say) Te Ka is Te Fiti.
It’s an illustration of what un-dealt with pain does to us: Te Fiti, the life source goddess has had something stolen from her, and as a result has become Te Ka, the lava monster.
She says: “I suffered, therefore others must suffer”. This is such a common human feeling.
::And that’s where Moana comes in…::
Watch “this is not who you are” scene with Te Ka // Te Fiti
Here’s why I love this. We are all Te Ka. Do we not all know so well un-dealt with pain, and the feeling of ::“I suffered, therefore others must suffer”?::
We might experience…
- a tragedy
- a betrayal
- a divorce
- a dream dying
- an unexpected change or new reality we weren’t planning for
- a failure or unmet expectation
- oppression
::These experiences:: push us out of our ordinary worlds, but that doesn’t automatically mean we end up on a journey in the Kingdom of God. The first challenge we face is getting stuck in between — in despair, discouragement, and un-dealt with pain.
When my mom died of cancer when I was 15, I was pushed out of the ordinary world of my childhood, and the loss threatened to bury me.
Or when one of my former mentors and I had a bad falling out, the betrayal I felt pushed me out of the ordinary world I had known. I couldn’t go back to that any longer. That relationship could no longer be what it once was. And the loss of that threatened to bury me.
The first time a young man of color in America learns of the rampant reality of racial profiling, he is pushed out of his ordinary world of innocence and trust in the goodness of humanity. And that loss threatens to bury him.
After experiences like these, if we succumb to the despair or discouragement over all we’ve lost, Te Ka can become our permanent state. We can get stuck in un-dealt with pain for years, decades sometimes — trapped in the thinking: “I suffered, therefore others must suffer too… I will let no one pass.”
We’ve been pushed out of the ordinary world, but we are floating, directionless, stuck — it feels too risky, too painful to journey where we don’t know the rules and there may be more pain or discomfort, so we camp out in bitterness, resentment, revenge.
Going back to high school after my mom died, with a bunch of kids who were all distracted by what seemed like stupid high-school things to me, who I was sure didn’t know suffering like I did — oh, how I insisted others must suffer because I had. You won’t notice me? and how much I’m flailing to be taken care of? Well then I’ll make you notice me by making you feel bad for me. My victim-ness became a weapon I wielded.
Or after feeling betrayed — oh, how I used my victim-ness as a weapon — You’re going to betray me?! Well then your reputation is going down with me, if it’s the last thing I do! I will sabotage you, even if it sabotages me too!
One way it’s been said is this: ::if we don’t transform our pain, we will transmit it.::
The lyric Moana sings — “They have stolen the heart from inside you… but this does not define you, this is not who you are. You know who you are.” — This is something we all need sung over us.
It calls out to us: ::when life pushes us out of our ordinary worlds,:: and we feel stuck in un-dealt with pain, ::God is trying to pull us:: into the Kingdom of God — which will be unfamiliar and uncomfortable and will challenge us, BUT it is there where something transformational can happen.
It is where healing of our pain can happen.
Healing
::Healing:: is one of the things (maybe THE thing) most associated with the Kingdom of God in Jesus’ teachings — physical healing, emotional healing, things we can see, things we can’t see — all manner of healing.
From Luke 9…
Jesus welcomed [the crowds] and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.
From John 3…
Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. (Throughout John’s Gospel, experiencing the Spirit means being awakened, healed, enlightened, enlivened)
::When life pushes us out of our ordinary worlds,:: God is trying to pull us into the Kingdom of God, so that we can experience healing. Letting God do this requires leaving the familiar and comfortable, which can bring a sort of pain of its own, we might say, but that risk is so worth it.
Jesus
I love the way Moana is a picture of this God Jesus shows us.
Jesus shows us a God who does not run from the pain humans experience but walks into it with us (so he can pull us through it). That line from Moana is so perfect: “Let her come to me” she says. Moana, in that moment, is not afraid of Te Ka. And the same is true with Jesus and us — Jesus is not scandalized by us and our un-dealt with pain. He is saying, “Let them come to me.”
And Jesus brings back our heart that was stolen, restores our sanity, heals our un-dealt-with pain.
I’m reminded of the powerful phrasings of 12 Step programs like AA — “We recognized that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed a higher power than ourselves to restore us to sanity.”
Te Fiti was overtaken by Te Ka. She could not get back to her actual state without help. And the help was there for her, in Moana.
And the help is there for us, in Jesus. When life pushes us out of our ordinary worlds, he is trying to pull us into the Kingdom of God.
Jesus tells ::this parable when teaching about the Kingdom of God:: in Luke 13:
A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came looking for fruit on it and found none. So he said to the gardener, ‘See here! For three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and still I find none. Cut it down! Why should it be wasting the soil?’
[The gardener] replied, ‘Sir, let it alone for one more year, until I dig around it and put fertilizer on it. If it bears fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.’
Jesus is the gardener. He is not in a hurry to have us cut down. He wants us to bear fruit. There is always time for us in the Kingdom of God. Unlike when we’re stuck in un-dealt with pain, where everything feels urgent and like the end of the world.
::I’m struck by something in this picture:: of Jesus’ restoring our hearts that we get from Moana — I wonder how it hits you?
In this, “sin and forgiveness” (the religious terminology) is not about being good instead of bad; it’s about moving instead of staying put. Journeying forward instead of laying down and giving up.
Moana doesn’t lecture Te Ka, she is tender and understanding. The whole movie is about Moana recognizing her own un-dealt-with pain, and so when she gets to this point she is able to see Te Ka’s true self as Te Fiti — “this is not who you are, you know you are” —
Moana, as one who knows pain herself, is able to be compassionate, able to come close, and that is what finally transforms and heals the un-dealt with pain for Te Fiti.
This makes me think about all the passages from the Bible that refer to being saved by Jesus’ blood or atoned with God by Jesus’ blood, or justified or forgiven or brought into connection with God by Jesus’ blood.
Jesus’ blood does all of those things in that it is God’s own personal experience of suffering on the cross that brings him close to us, in the same way Moana’s experience of her own suffering brings her close to Te Ka / Te Fiti.
Jesus’ blood is NOT about how “we were bad and God needed someone to be punished, so Jesus took it and now humanity is in the clear.” Jesus’ blood is about God suffering himself in solidarity with humanity, for the sake of connection with us, for the sake of loving us, saving us, healing us — transforming our pain, so we don’t transmit it.
Application
So, ::how can we stay on our journeys of transformation toward healing in the Kingdom of God, and not get stuck in un-dealt with pain?::
::First…::
Invite Jesus to weed revenge out of your life
It’s interesting. In addition to our love of stories about journeys of transformation, which I think reveals the truest part of our hearts, we Americans unfortunately also have a love of lone-wolf revenge stories (or, as a shorthand, ::Liam Neeson movies::), which reveals I think our less redeeming qualities.
Can we just appreciate the tag lines for each of these for a minute?
I’m kind of joking, but also serious. Believing we are isolated, alone, and have to “revenge our way” to the life of peace or solace or contentment we want is tempting, and it’s in us all.
::Probably none of us:: are tempted to go full-on Liam Neeson on anyone, BUT we are tempted to adopt beliefs like: Nobody understands me. Nobody will fight for me except me. Nobody knows the suffering I’ve experienced. Nobody is there for me. And I need to show the world (or show so-and-so) by making others suffer. After my mom died and after I felt betrayed by this former mentor, I felt those beliefs tempt me, and they started to become self-fulfilling prophecies fast! I started to look like Te Ka the lava monster pretty quickly.
But those beliefs of “nobody but me” are not true. They are tempting to adopt, because they make us feel special, important, like our pain matters, but they will not serve us, and they will not get us the solace and peace we want.
If you notice anything close to those “nobody but me / I need to revenge my way to peace” feelings in you, then what I’ve learned to do is, in prayer, invite Jesus to weed those out. That’s humbling to admit, but it’s nothing to be afraid of, because remember Jesus is like Moana. In a moment, I’ll give us a chance to that kind of prayer out.
Also, don’t watch Liam Neeson lone-wolf revenge movies.
::Next…::
Make your goal integrating/incorporating your un-dealt with pain, not moving past it
Healing doesn’t leave pain behind. In a strange way, healing brings us all the closer to our pain. Just in a different way than when the pain is un-dealt with.
Instead of living in compulsive reaction to our pain (like Te Ka, letting nothing pass), healing allows us to incorporate or integrate the hurt part of us into the bigger picture of who we are. We know the pain even better because we are in control of it, not it in control of us. We see it with clear eyes, so we can manage it.
Los Angeles-based Jesuit Greg Boyle (one of my heroes) talks about an incredible reflection he heard from a young man who, after years of gang-activity and crime, came to the end of himself and found faith in Jesus:
“I used to be afraid of my wounds. Now my wounds are my friends.”
My wounds are my friends. Wow!
Put another way:
In my feelings of being betrayed, how can I find an identity deeper than my victimness, that isn’t defined by a need for me to show this person I feel betrayed by what they’ve done to me and get them to repent, BUT an identity that also doesn’t pretend not to feel those legitimate feelings of hurt in me, that acknowledges them and accepts them as a friend, as a part of who I have become.
So keep in mind that that is the way you’ll feel yourself journeying forward toward healing — it’s not moving past, it’s not forgetting or pretending; it’s incorporating, befriending even. That’s how you’ll know you’re on the right path.
::Here’s something that really works for me, and might for many of you…::
Use music.
There’s nothing like hearing a melody or a lyric that captures some un-dealt with pain I’m currently wrestling with that keeps me on my journey toward healing. Because I immediately feel understood, not alone, like someone else has been in the hurt I am currently in, and look, they made it, to the point that they wrote a song about it… I can do this!
The two songs that have spoken to me more than any others in the last year are:
- These Days by Jackson Browne
- A song about regret and hurt, and about choosing radical acceptance instead of defensiveness
- All The Stars by The Wailin’ Jennys
- A song about being renewed after loss
I’d be happy to tell you more about those if you want to know.
::I think of music:: like the fertilizer in Jesus’ “one more year” gardener and fig tree parable. It slowly works on our soil, makes us more ready to bear fruit.
::Finally…::
Consider professional counseling.
Professional counseling is a gift from God, guys. At our church we keep a list of trusted professional counseling resources, and we have walked many through the headache of figuring out their health insurance benefits. We would be so happy to help you too — just mention it on your connect card later today. That will be totally anonymous, and we’ll follow up with you this week to see how we can help.
Prayer
::Jesus said,::
“Unless a grain of wheat goes into the ground and dies, it remains a single grain of wheat… but if it goes into the ground and dies, it will bear much fruit.” (John 12)
It is true that Te Ka, a lava monster, is a part of us all. But maybe you’re not bad if you feel like Te Ka right now. Maybe, according to Jesus, Te Ka is just a necessary part of our journeys — we have to go in to the ground and die.
But Te Ka is not our final destination. Like Moana, our Christ figure today, Jesus is here to say: this is not who you are, you know who you are.
If we resist getting stuck in un-dealt with pain, and we let Jesus, the God who knows pain, pull us forward into the risks of journeying through a world beyond what’s familiar, then we will open ourselves up to the pain of leaving what is comfortable to us, but we will also open ourselves up to healing.
If we allow ourselves to go into the ground and die, we will no longer be just a single grain of wheat, we will bear much fruit.