Jesus Can Help You Navigate the Family You Come From - Kyle Hanawalt

SPEAKER NOTES

NEIGHBORING SLIDE PSA for Neighboring fund + Neighboring/Santa event before your talk kicks off

BLANK SLIDE I don’t know about you but it feels crazy to me that’s it’s already thanksgiving this week. Don’t get me wrong I do love thanksgiving - Good food and football. Two of my favorite things. But, as I think about Thanksgiving - I also think of it as a time where many people are spending time with family. Which for some is a hands down wonderful experience, and for others is an objectively terrible experience. But for most of us, I’d think is more likely a mixed bag. Some good, some bad. So, with this experience of family coming up- I am going back to a topic that we often come back to at BLV (particularly this time of year) because it’s something we are always navigating

SLIDE: TOPIC+MEMES Our families, how do we navigate our families of origin- whether that is a question of what we’ll do this Thursday, or if it’s a question of how we process and grow as humans in light of how our past experiences of being a part of our own families has influenced us.

So how can we find help from Jesus in this process? Let me pass on a few thoughts for this year...

SLIDE: HEADER+BULLET 1

1. Jesus shows us that family can be not all good and not all bad

Like many of us, Jesus' relationship with his parents is complicated Jesus’ parents clearly loved him and sacrificed for him When Jesus was born and the local ruler Herod attempted to have him killed, Jesus Parents, Joseph and mary, uproot themselves and move to another country for Jesus’ safety. Furthermore, the fact that Mary was made pregnant with Jesus before she and Joseph were married, meant a great sacrifice to their reputation. But, even though they loved him, they didn’t always understand him. They have conflict with him, they have expectations for his life that don’t match up with who he actually was SLIDE: LUKE 2 Reading from the gospel of Luke Chapter 2. 2:42 When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. 43 After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. 44 Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. 45 When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him.46 After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. 47 Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. 48 When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.” 49 “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” 50 But they did not understand what he was saying to them. You see, conflict Jesus’ parents actually publicly reprimand him here. Because their expectations didn’t match up with who Jesus actually is. They want him to act like the other kids, to be home, but he is not like the other kids. Him doing what is best for him, even though it did not match up with his parents expectations.

SLIDE: BACK TO HEADER+BULLET 1 There is a psychologist, Dr. Murray Bowen. Who developed what’s called the Bowen Theory,
His theory is that much of what drives us today comes from what we have learned and inherited from our Families of origin, the families or units we grew up in.
The way we relate to people, the ways we cope, the healthy and unhealthy tendencies we have, is all tied back to what we observed, experienced and inherited from our families of Origin.
Thus, to become healthier and more well adapted people, we need to embrace the good things we have inherited and move past the bad and unhealthy things we have received from our families.

However, navigating what is good, what is bad, what should I embrace, what should I move away from can feel impossible.
And this is where the promise of relationship with a God who is not distant and removed from human experience, but a God who is like Jesus, who intimately knows what the human experience is like - who has his own experience navigating family of origin -- this is where that is such a gift Because there is no magic list that outlines for us “good inheritances” from your family vs “bad inheritances” from your family -- we all have to figure that out for ourselves, in real time, on the fly, as we do life And the offer of Jesus is: include me (Jesus) in that as you process, as you wonder what to do, which direction to go, whether to embrace or differentiate, because I (Jesus) have experience in this, and can advise you if you pray to me and ask for it Sometimes I’ve prayed about some habit or attitude I’ve picked up from my parents and family and felt like Jesus said: this is an inheritance to be thankful for... and being thankful for it will help you love yourself and others better. and so I try to do that Other times, I’ve prayed and felt Jesus encouraging me to acknowledge the imperfections of my family... that all families are not perfect, that they have flaws, we can acknowledge the very real wounds and hurt that we all have This was my struggle for a long time, I didn't want to acknowledge the bad, because I thought that meant I was being ungrateful, But the reality was, that in ignoring the bad things I have recieved from my family, I missed out on the chance to break free, I was missing out on the chance for healing and growth. Honestly, It was only once I did this, acknowledged the bad, that I was able to find some of the healing and movement forward in life I was wanting.

SLIDE TRANSITION: ADD BULLET 2

1. Jesus shows us the difference between honoring our parents and pleasing them

In another picture of a mismatched of expectations. SLIDE: SCRIPTURES (JESUS’ RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS MOTHER) Somewhat famously, Jesus’ mother demands that he turns water into wine at a wedding. Which is actually the first miracle he ever performed. Jesus actually initially says no. But his mother pushes and get’s him to do it, Again we see like many parent-child relationships - his mother’s timing and expectations clashed with his.

And later, more conflict Jesus is out teaching, preaching and performing miracles and reading from Mark 3 31 Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32 A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.” 33 “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked. 34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” Jesus’ says to his family “I have more than just you to consider, these people are like family to me, I have other people to care for, other things I’m meant to do, I can’t interrupt or change that at your will.”
And notably he made this choice without his family's approval.

But in the end Jesus still honors his mother Reading from John 19:25 Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. 26 When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” 27 and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

As Jesus is dying he honors his mother by providing for her from his larger family. Jesus chooses one of his closest companions, John and says my mother is now your mother. Jesus was in the middle of a pretty amazing piece of his calling in life when he honors his mother with giving her the best care he is able to give.

SLIDE: BACK TO HEADER+BULLET 2 The truth here behind this -- that Jesus shows us, and that is just so important to any of us growing and maturing as adults -- is this: we Honor our parents by our lives going well, not pleasing them We honor the sacrifices and investments our parents made for us by living well, by becoming all that we can. Not by always meeting our families expectations, not by pleasing our parents. The reality is that at times pleasing our parents can be at odds with truly honoring them.
If I choose to please them by making a choice that actually hinders our ability to live wholly and fully, we am actually doing the opposite of honoring. I am not honoring them by trying to meet their expectations at the cost of my own health and life I think about this being in the same profession and vocation as my parents -- I don’t believe all of the same things my parents believe, I don’t pastor excactly the same way they pastor, and that is okay -- my life task is not to please them but to discern what God is calling me to do. we can honor our parents without affirming all they have done. It is also important to note that giving honor does not require us to deny there has been hurt or offense. For, we all have inherited harmful things from our parents, And it is important that we name that, and not ignore or give permission to it Jesus wants to bring us into freedom, Which at times may mean freedom from the need of our parents approval because for some of us that need for our parents approval can prevent us from pursuing a healthier and better life. It can prevent us from pursuing a life that is actually honoring to all they have done for us. Jesus honored his family always by living a life that honored them. By caring for them, when he could, but not by living for their approval, and not by meeting their expectations.

SLIDE TRANSITION: ADD BULLET 3

1. Jesus models for us leaning into communities like BLV as a family, where we can practice healthy family life We saw Jesus declare those of the community as brothers and mothers, as family I invite you to imagine what this community could be.
   Throughout the New Testament, you see the image of church as a family. That the primary purpose of this community is not to meet you preferences, to have the music you like, or even sermons you get the most out of. Rather, the primary purpose of a community like this is to do life together as a family.
   To have diverse and different people, come together and share life, to celebrate together, to mourn together, and yes like every family even do conflict together. It is meant to be a place that we work through the ups and downs together, in healthy ways. And in this family we can practice healthy family life that can equip us down the road to better deal with our natural families. With our Families of origin there is so much history and emotion tied up in everything, Thus, navigating things can be so complex But here at BLV, we can navigate the tensions, the difference of opinions, in mature loving and healthy ways, we can use this community to learn and practice how to do family well

To close today, I want to lead us in some prayer as a chance for each of us to experience either or both of two things: SLIDE: FORGIVENESS / FREEDOM Forgiveness, or Freedom

We’re going to actually try these together in prayer in a second, but let me explain ahead of time:

First forgiveness: we are going to: Name the hurt or harm, and ask for God's help to forgive. SLIDE: FORGIVENESS IS / IS NOT Here’s What forgiveness is not justifying, understanding, explaining, excusing, approving trying to change someone forgetting and trusting time to take care of it; acting as if nothing has happened asking God to forgive the person denying you are hurt automatic reconciliation trusting Here’s What forgiveness is An experience between us and God a releasing of the hurt and bile in our hearts a process, not always a split-second occurrence at times it is first a choice, and later an emotion acknowledging what the other person did admit it, name it not keeping a record not telling everyone around you what that person has done; not slamming the other person reputation as opposed to telling someone for the purpose of helping you toward forgiveness Defining specific offenses allows us to understand what we are forgiving. Forgiveness allows Jesus to lead us away from our responses to those wrongs which can cause as much destruction as the original hurt He can offer us healing and growth that can bring us true freedom Name it specifically, and ask God to help you forgive, and remove the power it has over you

SLIDE: BACK TO FORGIVENESS / FREEDOM And then second, when we pray here in a second, I want to give us a chance to experience freedom from the power of power of any lies or inner vows that have taken root in us SLIDE: LIES ARE / INNER VOWS... Lies, are the things that say “you are not good enough, you are lazy, you are dumb, you are whatever” We’re going to Ask Jesus to bring it to mind, name the lie, and Ask Jesus’ Holy Spirit to break it and replace it with truth An Inner vow is a determination, a promise to protect ourselves from further hurt, no matter what it costs us or others. We can become so determined not to do the same thing, that we became obsessed with doing the opposite. Either way, repeating those sins of our parents, or being determined not to repeat those sins, I felt obsessed by, or chained to those things my parent did that wounded me.
It may sounds like this: I will never forget how this hurt and I will make sure it never happens again. So, I will never be like that. Or do that. And in vowing that, we are just as ruled by the hurt through reacting to it. For these, we’re going to this in prayer: Name the vow, reject in Jesus name, asking him to free you from the burden of having to live based on the hurt done to you

SLIDE: BLANK SLIDE (OR PRAYER SLIDE IF I FINISH IT) Okay, let me bring us into prayer, and I think a number of us here might be able to have a powerful experience of forgiveness or freedom this morning... Please Stand with me