Battling shoulds without inflaming coulds
Hayley and Vince dig further into the shoulds and coulds that define life in the 21st century, with a look at how to balance the best practical offers to help out there: therapy, community, and spirituality. (Image from Sandie Clarke on Unsplash)
SPEAKER NOTES
Battling shoulds without inflaming coulds
Review
- Last week, we began a new series talking about how to navigate shoulds and coulds in our life
- We had a reminder from wise comedic genius Vince Brackett — one I’ve never heard of before! (Jk)— to not should on ourselves.
- So we have the shoulds - the immense pressure we can put on ourself or society puts on us to perform a certain way, occupy a particular role, often there’s a built in guilt trip
- In our culture, there’s more awareness around the threat of shoulds and a desire to free ourselves from them
- But then we have the coulds
- And this is less talked about, less noticed
- The endless possibilities that we could give endless attention to, constantly trying to keep up, produce and prove ourselves. There’s always more we could be doing
- Kevin in the chat last week; “you’ve gotta be coulding me!”
These torments are the burnout, guilt, depression, resentment of modern life we all know.
And there’s a challenge we identified: (Vince, say more)
- Addressing should torment (with freedom) can unintentionally make could torment more overwhelming. There is a freedom AND a fatigue to to the unshackled self — to be unrestricted is important and in many cases a matter of justice and equity — but to be unrestricted inside our unchecked produce-and-consume capitalism is at the same time overwhelming.
- So this is complicated. Coulds in particular are complicated. And of course this is the case. Anyone who has experienced burnout, depression, or malaise knows this.
Our Bible Study on Romans 3:28 from the Apostle Paul.
>>> For we maintain that a person is justified by [the faithfulness of God] apart from the works of the law.- Tracing the way this passage has been re-interpreted several times throughout history, we interpreted Paul’s message of justification for today’s achievement society as being about “okayness” —
- In the modern achievement society, we don’t so much feel guilty and in need of justification before a Holy God (as Ancient or medieval Christians did), but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel guilty! We arguably feel more guilt today than ever before. We feel guilty before ourselves! Because of all those coulds we feel (on top of the shoulds we feel).
- So what a gift experiences of okayness are!
- Those beautiful, elusive moments you feel: You don’t have to strive, or defend. You don’t have to prove yourself to yourself because you’re already justified. You may not love and accept yourself, but God does. Receive from God, and get out of the madness of trying to justify yourself by perfectly optimized productivity or by perfectly recognized authenticity.
- My morning prayer is often a meditation of receiving from God that I am “okay”.
- This scripture is behind all we’re talking about this month. DSK off
- Tracing the way this passage has been re-interpreted several times throughout history, we interpreted Paul’s message of justification for today’s achievement society as being about “okayness” —
Today
- So for today:
- We spent last week mostly talking the more hidden torment of coulds, but we granted that that doesn’t mean we don’t still struggle with shoulds.
- So an important Q is: How do we battle shoulds in a way that doesn’t inflame coulds?
- Short answer: balance.
An imperfect but helpful practical framing
Let me try to ground battling shoulds and coulds practically, with a framing that won’t be perfect, but still can be helpful if we’re thinking about balance.
For shoulds,
- the best practical prescription is usually therapy (addressing the self directly, affirming and freeing the self to fly - think “Defying Gravity” from Wicked)
- I’m through accepting limits, ‘cause someone says they’re so
- If I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free
- No wizard that there is or was is ever gonna keep me down DSK off
For coulds,
- the best practical prescription is usually faith and community (getting beyond the self, connecting with an other, whom we can’t control, or with the ultimate other — not boundless freedom for the self, but knowing where we end and others begin so we can receive in relationship — think “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers)
- When you’re not strong
- Swallow your pride
- Call on your brother
- There is a load that you can’t carry DSK off
Like we talked about last week, depending on how the pieces that make up our identities are affirmed or marginalized in our society, we will each have a different balancing act of needing to defy gravity or lean on others as we cope with the torments of modern life.
Again, imperfect — of course therapy can help us with coulds and faith and community can help us with shoulds, but for the sake of organizing our thoughts…
What do you think about this practical framing of therapy for shoulds and community and faith or spirituality for coulds, Hayley? (as imperfect as it is)
Hayley Response-
Yeah, I think it’s helpful to think of different spheres of what will be most beneficial in navigating shoulds and coulds, because often they do require a different type of attention
It’s also brought to mind some different wording that’s helpful (you know I love a pithy phrase, Vince):
- Specifically the idea of “you are enough”
- How resting in “you are enough” (which i can even hear in my therapist’s voice) can help calm the shoulds
- But then I think of something I’ve heard Lutheran pastor Nadia Bolz Weber say
- You are enough is helpful and does have a place
- But she’s actually joked about writing an anti-self help book called “You Are Not Enough”
- This speaks more to the coulds, you’re not enough - because you don’t have to be everything all on your own
- You’re not enough, but there is enough. And we need a reliance on community and connection with a God of love (spirituality) to remind us of the enough-ness that exists beyond just ourselves
Helpful: Consider a tricycle of therapy, community, and faith/spirituality. A unicycle or bicycle won’t balance itself, but a tricycle will.
- Put up tricycle one
- All balanced, able to ride and have a sense of steadiness.
- Things can impact our balance though - it’s not a one-time accomplishment or permanent state, I am now a balanced human being
- Because life does continue to happen. It’s the ongoing work of recalibrating and mending and learning
- Put up tricycle two
- This one needs some attention before it’ll be balanced again!
Vince anecdote
Yeah maybe the biggest thing that impacts our ability to balance is the culture we’re inside, and its assumptions and norms.
This is what I made the case for last week: that culturally right now we have more popular understanding battling shoulds (than we do coulds), so, I suggested, a group of people like us here at BLC can tend to over-prescribe “defying gravity” as what’s called for in every situation of burnout, depression, guilt, or resentment. We default to seeing those as should problems.
Interestingly from a historical perspective, therapy seems to have overtaken faith or spirituality as the most normalized and accepted form of personal growth work in late modern life. That’s the tire on the tricycle we pay most attention to.
And it is so great that therapy is not as taboo compared to, say, 40 years ago, 20 years ago, even 10 years ago. Because we’re all battling shoulds to some degree.
- (And, even more so, because many of us are battling emotional wounds that need expert care — that for me, is the most important role of therapy).
- This is progress to celebrate!
- (We have our jokes about how men will do literally anything instead of go to therapy, but the very popularity of those jokes demonstrates our progress.)
However, what a better awareness and understanding of the coulds we’re all battling helps us to ask is: what if therapy isn’t a replacement for faith (or community) because they’re not doing the same thing? What if they’re better as compliments?
I remember attending a panel at a conference led by the Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. (The academic home of names like Dan Allender, if you’re in the counseling world — I have a ton of respect for the Seattle School.)
The panel was about therapy and community and faith as complimentary tools.
The therapists on their staff shared really honestly about how they observe that thoughtful but burnt-out people who come to their practice are a bit prone to seeing therapy as a cure-all for every block or obstacle or tension in life.
Like they’d do some good work in therapy strengthening their senses of self and battling shoulds, but then they’d reach a point where what they mostly needed was some facilitation of deeper friendships because they’re surrounded by people they could know yet feel lonely, or some rituals and rhythms to ground them because they’re being pulled all over the place and therefore constantly worried they’re falling behind. (In other words, they needed help with could problems.)
And addressing the self with therapy, as helpful as it is, isn’t necessarily going to move the needle on these, because the need in these cases is getting beyond the over-extended self.
It really struck me the way this team of therapists honored their service as incredibly important, AND they saw the limits of their service. They saw how therapy is no more a cure-all than, in other settings, faith is presented to be, where there are messages implied like, “just pray and your emotional wounds will disappear”).
I think that’s a clue to how we battle shoulds without inflaming coulds in our culture — we mine therapy for all its incredible worth, but we don’t equate therapy’s role with spirituality’s role or community’s role, as though therapy can be a secular version of spirituality or church (just like we would never suggest the reverse because we rightly see that as inappropriate!); instead we see these as different and complimentary.
Hayley response
Yes, I love the move away from over-prescribing therapy for every life event or struggle.
- Again, we love therapy!
- But there are things we learn experientially when we’re in community, especially in a faith community, that land differently as we’re moving through experiences together instead of only processing them individually.
- (And only processing them with someone you’re paying)
It makes me think of how the embodied nature of community and spirituality may be why those wheels provide balance when it comes to the torment of the coulds.
There is a degree of listening to your own body required when you are attempting to figure out how to align your life with your values. How to keep moving forward in an intentional way.
The balance is a beautiful gift! I had a big realization around that this week:
When I think of moments in my life of being in need, in big ways — in what my brain has catalogued as pivotal times of change or grief, newness or loss —
- I find it really comforting that I’m automatically able to name the presence of therapy, community, and faith in my healing journey.
- And it hasn’t always been this way! It took intentional effort to set up that tricycle for myself
- When my children were born, when I’ve had mental health challenges, when we’ve lost family or friends—
- I really can say: I remember when my therapist rearranged her schedule so we could have a virtual session while I held my crying newborn in the peak of the pandemic.
- I remember the meals that were shared, I remember feeling wrapped in prayer, I remember community showing up, feeling the closeness of God, having a therapeutic team support me
And it’s my hope that it does not have to get to the most challenging of times for us to attempt to figure out a balance of survival.
We can all be checking in, re-orienting, remaining curious so that it’s a regular practice that we can lean on when we are struggling
Final comments
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My final comment is that I think part of the reason we default to diagnosing all burnout and depression as a should problem (and unintentionally inflame coulds) is that battling shoulds is more direct than battling coulds. So it feels more controllable — here’s my diagnosis and here’s what I can do about it — I address myself directly.
Battling coulds is not so straightforward. It’s more about re-orienting our relationship to our world, to be more open, call-able, able to resonate with that which is beyond us, not so self-focused.
- Again, we can return to Romans 3:28 — okayness is a gift, a grace, received from God.
- Not so direct, not so controllable.
So let’s absolutely keep doing what comes more naturally to us trying to defy gravity battling shoulds; I’m so grateful that instinct is so well represented in everything from popular music to the childrens books on my kids’ bookshelves. Let’s keep it up!
AND I have a couple mundane examples and then a story to help battling coulds feel more grasp-able, because we need to be keeping at that too.
- First mundane example: I love sports. But at some point about 10 years ago I realized the endless ways I could enjoy sports in our internet era were making it less enjoyable to me. I needed some wise constraint, dare I say I needed a “should” (gasp!) — And that’s what I did; I chose a should willingly for myself: no fantasy sports anymore. Not because it’s bad and I’m making a moral judgment. Just because that was the right call to help me reorient to my life with less clutter and more possibility for joy.
- Another mundane example: there are endless good TV shows out there. My kids are often asking about watching the next thing they’ve heard about. And often our answer is “no” — but we want to teach them that’s NOT always because we think a show is bad or inappropriate; it might be great; but you will just never be able to watch it all. And that’s okay. Willingly choosing a should in this case is wise constraint, not an oppressive restriction. We want them to grow up with enough margin that not every moment or brainwave is filled up, so the world can still call to them.
One last story, if you’ll indulge me. I remember some time ago a Monday when I was feeling a bit buried.
- Exhausted after a long week prior, that included some disappointments, and some mis-steps I’d made that I knew I could have done better.
- Mondays can be like that for pastors.
- Many pastors I know take Mondays off as a result.
- I do too. This Monday was an off-day for me, and I was trying to make the most of it.
- I bought myself lunch and a coffee, but didn’t really feel better.
- I’m wondering to myself: could I be doing more or different things to take care of myself better?
- And then my phone rings.
- And it’s a guy I know from church, who I totally enjoy. We’ve connected on things like music and sports, and even talked about his past church challenges.
- But we don’t know each other that well, and it’s my day off, so my first instinct is let it go to voicemail.
- But as it rings, I feel in me this persistent pull, a lure, an encouragement to pick up. I’ve learned to recognize these sorts of experiences as God calling me.
- So I do pick up, and I discover that we are not going to talk about music or sports or even past church challenges. Because I was being let into a moment of despair that was happening right now in the present. I got to know this guy far more than I ever had before as he vulnerably shared, and as I felt myself opened up to share vulnerably right back my similar experiences. We had a lot more in common than I realized.
- After the phone call, I felt like, wow, this is what life is about. That kind of connection. That kind of intimacy with another human being.
- And as my mind comes back to my own present, I find that I am feeling less buried.
- Why? How?
- Because, to get through the burnout and malaise and guilt I was feeling, I didn’t need to address myself more or better — with the right personal affirmation or the right thing to treat myself — I needed to get beyond myself. I needed to receive the gift of something I couldn’t bring about for myself by myself.
- Often it’s God’s call into an interpersonal connection that does this for us, so I think that’s what I want to pray for us for — to close today…