Give up Self-Punishment for Lent

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Our wider culture's good response to self-punishing versions of religion is to focus instead on self-care. Hayley highlights the helpfulness of that, and yet also wonders if it is incomplete, before suggesting an alternative aim we might make our goal, from deep in the Jesus tradition.

SPEAKER NOTES

Giving up self-punishment

Intro story

• Growing up in an evangelical context, I was really aware of the push and pull of goodness and inevitable sinfulness that shaped my identity.
• My parents made me feel loved, my family made me feel loved, the Sunday school ladies who helped raise me made me feel loved. And yet, the subtle religious messaging I received told me that actually, I needed to earn that love. There were rules to this love.
• Give an already perfectionistic oldest daughter a piety project and wow, could I run with it.
• I remember in elementary school, laying in bed at night praying through every single mistake of the day - blatant or tiny - and asking for forgiveness.
  • And my clever way of ending things was “And Jesus, you know if there’s more that I can’t remember right now so just forgive all of those things too.”
  • Had to cover all my bases. God knew what I deserved and praying felt like a magic spell to please please love me instead.
• In middle school and high school, this “you are sinful” mindset extended to starting to realize my body was bad.
  • Camp counselors reminded us that “modest was hottest” as we covered up in one piece bathing suits with t shirts over them. I was mortified when I was asked to change into longer shorts one year.
  • The purity talks began in youth group and more rules came with them. Submit, deny.
  • Living faithfully became a checklist of do’s and mostly don’ts.
  • And that inner self critic that started so young got louder and louder, putting me in a state of constant failure it seemed.

Lent intro

• At BLC we follow the longstanding structure of giving up something for lent- which is the 40 days that lead up to Easter, when we mark the death and resurrection of Jesus.
• This Sunday we are starting off our Lent project of giving up unhelpful and incomplete beliefs by giving up self-punishment.
• I wonder if you too- whether in a religious context or outside of one- had/have a system of self-punishment instilled in you. It’s vulnerable to talk about, but what comes to mind when you think of self-punishment in the story of your life? I’d love to hear more about your experiences in our chat in discord today.
• Today, I’ll talk through what our culture’s response to self-punishment tends to be. Which is helpful! But incomplete.
• And then we’ll find an alternative landing place, a new belief to take up in place of self-punishment.

Self punishment

• I don’t think I need to convince anyone that self-punishment is unhelpful. We struggled to even land on what to call this category because there are so many unhelpful pictures out there- self-rejection, the body is bad, self-constant vigilance, self-hatred even.
• Family culture, diet culture, comparison, mental illness- the list goes on and on of reasons we can believe we deserve punishment. Or are undeserving of goodness in our lives
• Out of a culture of self punishment we get purity culture, which we talked through a couple years ago in Lent. If you are interested in listening to more around purity culture, there’s an episode of the podcast Sounds Like a Cult that’s on the “cult of purity rings” which I found super interesting.
• Out of self punishment we get a divided self, a self that requires conquering to be holy. The potential for a good soul trapped in a flawed and easily tempted body.
• Actually, viewing the body as bad and only the spirit as good was one of the early heresies that the church separated itself from—Gnosticism.
• And yet this good spirit/bad body or “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”, all of this is still quite prevalent in popular culture within and outside of church settings.
• Distrust of ourself runs rampant— out of this distrust we get really unhelpful pictures of what “denying yourself”looks like, which is language that’s used in the words of Jesus and across the letters of the New Testament.
• In fact, I was looking for all the references of “denying yourself” scriptures for this message because I will never remember where verses are located. Google to the rescue.
• I came across a blog post that defined denying yourself as “a biblical concept that calls for sacrificing one’s own desires, needs, and wants for the sake of serving God and others”
• How sad! To feel that your own desires, NEEDS, and wants should be sacrificed. That this is self denial. What you need and want does not matter, give that up.
  • In any other relationship the warning signs would be going off… if someone told us ignore your desires, needs, and wants, we’d be running in the opposite direction.
  • Our understanding of the closeness of God should be the best picture of a partnership, not the worst.

Transition: Whether its stemming from religious programming or the development of a loud inner critic- all the negative self talk - it can be so easy to set up systems of punishment for ourselves. Religion can be reduced to a sin management program. We can be overwhelmed by the constant feeling of never being enough.

Self care

Where do we go from here?

• I think in our cultural context, the response to self-punishment tends to be self care. Self care is the solution for what is missing. And what an improvement! Needs are not to be sacrificed here. You do matter, you are enough.
• And we need self care. A self compassion that sets us free from the systems of punishment we set up.
  • We need an assertion that our bodies are good and deserve to be nourished and valued. If self love seems like too far a jump from self hatred, neutrality may even be a realistic next step.
• And yet, self care as a model and as the solution to self punishment still has its problems.
• In an attempt to make everything profitable, self-care has become an entire self help, wellness industry. In her book “No Cure for Being Human”, author Kate Bowler writes:

• “Good vibes are big business. Every year, billions of dollars are pumped into a wellness industry defined by the theory that we can be perfected. We can organize ourselves, heal ourselves, budget ourselves, love ourselves, and eat well enough to make ourselves whole.”

If we aren’t careful, our systems of self punishment may just transfer to systems of self help. And the pressure still falls on us to be “perfect” in some way.

• It’s a strange tension. Knowing that self care can be freeing but also feeling like taking on self care is a burden.
  • Like wanting to be good at therapy. Or the never ending chase of wanting to feel more “balanced” in life.
  • Wellness is clearly an important and worthwhile investment, AND it still puts a ton of pressure on us to get it right. To be enough.
  • There are certainly things we can introduce to feel more grounded and present in our lives.
  • But I’m not sure being balanced is even achievable when the world, when our lives, are constantly shifting and changing. And when it seems like doom and fear are always factors if you are paying attention.
• One of my favorite theologians, Nadia Bolz-Weber, talks about how “just accept yourself” doesn’t work as a helpful mindset because we will always feel the tension of our ideal self and our actual self.
• “No one has ever become their ideal self” she says. “It’s a moving target.”
• In an interview with Krista Tippett, Nadia stresses that while everyone has some form of suffering, something we feel powerless over, we glamorize certain types of brokenness.
• Looking at the growing awareness around the importance of mental health is helpful here. Especially among high schoolers and college students, there’s an increase in conversations around mental health.
• If self care was the complete solution, you would think that an increase in awareness would lead to an increase in relief. Spoiler alert, it hasn’t.
• The cdc reports that young people are trending in the wrong direction for experiencing persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, considering, making a plan, and attempting suicide.
• Nearly 60% of female students and 70% of LGBTQ+ students experience persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness. And these feelings of despair lead to stopping their typical activities in life.
• A study out of South Africa that Vince came across looks at the nuanced impact of what they refer to as a “crisis narrative” on college campuses.
  • A mental health crisis narrative can increase students pathologizing their own symptoms- viewing any experience of discomfort or stress as serious mental illness that needs psychiatric treatment
  • However it can also decrease students seeking treatment because “everyone must feel this way.” Depression and anxiety are normalized and perhaps not in helpful way
• Increased awareness is not making us well. In fact its saying- here is the depths of everything that is wrong. Now fix it yourself. It’s revealing the problem without actually providing relief.

Transition: Just as it’s not on us to punish ourselves, it’s not solely up to us to love ourselves well. Self care is worthwhile AND we can expand beyond viewing it as our only solution.

Self transcendence

Where do we go from here? (There’s hope! I promise!)

• I’d like to suggest an alternative belief today of self-transcendence.
• This is a movement beyond the self as personal punisher or personal rescuer.
• To be well, we need to see ourselves in connection with others and dependent on a God of love.

Connection with others: community care

• We lean into self-transcendence when we view self care as intertwined with community care.
• Hyper individualism can rob us of the opportunity to view ourselves as inextricably tied up with one another - we are all part of a collective body
• We hold one another’s hopes and sit with one another’s pain. There is collective grief and collective joy
• Some of my experiences in life when I felt the most seen and valued have been when I was able to receive the empathy of others and offer genuine empathy back.
• If we want to be free from systems of punishment we need one another to call us back to who we are
  • As Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg says: “liberation is a group project”
  • One we need to show up for! In showing up for one another we are redirecting our energy toward what is constructive and good and brings about justice and healing
• When we are a part of the collective we take seriously what we can offer and what is beyond our reach. We don’t have to be all things to all people
  • Participating in community care simultaneously brings us greater purpose while releasing the pressure we feel- we don’t carry things alone
• Would love to hear if you have any stories of community care in action that you could share in discord

Transition: community care is one piece of self-transcendence. And the other major piece is seeing ourselves in connection with a God of love

Connection with a God of love

• When we see ourselves as in need of a God of love, we come full circle in some ways—
• The work of Nadia Bolz Weber, who is rooted in the Lutheran tradition, is particularly helpful here. She jokes that her next book is going to be an anti-self help book titled “You’re Not Enough”— “there is enough,” she says, “but it doesn’t have to be you. Everybody try less hard.”
• If self punishment tells us you are not enough because you are bad, self transcendence reminds us: you are not enough because you are human.
• Nadia frequently says that we are all both sinner and saint.
• Because of this status: 100% sinner, 100% saint, we need a grace beyond ourselves. We can’t offer ourselves all of the love and redemption we are in need of. Thank God we have a God that can.
• If you want to read more from Nadia Bolz-Weber I’d highly recommend her books Accidental Saints and Shameless. There are great interviews from her on Bible for Normal People and On Being that I can link in our resources channel on discord as well
• When we view ourselves as both sinner and saint, as in need of God because we are human, not because we are bad, we can return to self-denial passages of scripture and actually see them as a good thing!
• When Jesus in particular is quoted saying “deny yourself” it’s in a really important context. I’d love for us to look at one of these passages together:
• Matthew 16:21-25: (NRSV)

From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and undergo great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.

And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you.” But he turned to Peter and said, “You are a stumbling block to me for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”

• It’s here that Jesus flips the narrative. He’s telling Peter of the inevitable suffering he’s about to face and Peter says that couldn’t happen to you, Lord! Jesus responds saying you are setting your mind on human things.
• It’s tempting to equate divine things with holy, perfect, set apart, removed from suffering. To see human things as earthly desires, flaws and pain. But here Jesus is cautioning Peter “Your human view of a Son of God that would never face inevitable suffering is wrong.”
• Deny your expectation of a perfect life, of a life that can be free from suffering, and follow me.”
• Deny your perfectionism, your sin management programs, your purity standards, your overspiritualizing, your self-improvement hamster wheels and embraced your limits. Embrace your humanity. Embrace the inevitable suffering the world will bring. And know that you are not alone.
• Peter is so caught up in trying to remove Jesus’ suffering that he misses Jesus speaking about resurrection! We can be so caught up in perfecting the systems we create that we miss the beauty of renewal and new life
• It’s a communal effort to pick up our crosses collectively, to know that our efforts to conquer or perfect our lives will not work. Denying ourselves is a recognition of our limits. Our limits don’t make us less-than, they make us human.
• Self-transcendence is not a conquering of self. Self-transcendence is radical acceptance. Acceptance that we can’t do this on our own
• We have a co-sufferer God that doesn’t hold this against us, but joins with us in our limitations. This is not a personal piety project but a promise of presence in inevitable suffering.

In an interview on the podcast Bible for Normal People that I mentioned earlier, Nadia Bolz Weber ends the episode by saying:

“The thing I cling to is that I can always tap into my source from which I came and to which I will go which has so much more resilience, has so much more compassion and mercy and forgiveness than I can muster up by myself. So, that whole project of self-improvement and trying to become the best version of yourself, one of the reasons that it is always doomed to fail is that you can’t access power just within yourself, but you can always tap into this source.”

• When you are tempted to fall into the never ending pursuit of self improvement. When the voice of self-punishment is loud and mean. Would you be able to tap into the Source of resilience, compassion, mercy and forgiveness that is beyond yourself.

Practices of self-transcendence

I wanted to end today by suggesting some practical exercises in self-transcendence, in helping to solidify this new belief. Would love to know if you have more practices in mind:

• Tempting to make one of the practical exercises for all of the talks we have planned: go to therapy. But it’s real!
  • This topic especially would be helpful to talk through with a therapist.
  • We can all recognize that systems of self punishment are not helpful AND we can still be trapped in them. Therapy is a great place to learn skills that will help get you out of a self punishing mindset
• Mealtime prayers: We’ve created resources that get released each Sunday to help guide prayer with a group of friends or family.
  • Short reading and reflection that you can read aloud, a guided prayer and a small section for parents.
  • Participating in the mealtime prayers can be a great practice in community shaping. I’ve also found that written prayers are extremely helpful in bringing me outside myself
• Ask for help: If there is something this week that you have the mindset of “I just need to power through”. Pause. And consider asking for help. Your needs, wants and desires do not need to be denied. You can honor that you need help beyond yourself
• If you are caught up in self-punishment in any way and have found self care helpful but impossible to keep up with, know that there is a God of love beyond you, a source of care you can tap into.
  • You are not meant to punish yourself nor are you able to rescue yourself from suffering.
  • There is a God that will enter into suffering with you, a companion in the grief and in the joy.
  • A God that partners with you in your limitations and humanness.
  • You are not failing by needing that help- help from your community, help from this God of love. Relieve the pressure to love yourself whole, you are not alone.

Co-sufferer God,

You see us in our limitations and humanness and call us Beloved. You offer more compassion and mercy and forgiveness than we could ever muster up on our own. Thank you for calling us back to ourselves AND drawing us beyond ourselves. We are not needy for having needs, we are human. Help us to deny our expectations of perfection and our systems of punishment. Would we rest in the peace and relief you offer, knowing we do not have to navigate the depths alone. Amen