Living According to my Values is Hard - Kyle Hanawalt

SPEAKER NOTES

This last week I was with Vince and we were driving on a side street over by Kedzie and Lawrence. And we were stopped and waiting behind this tow truck that was in the process of pulling a car up onto the back of the truck. It was one of the tow trucks that has a flat bed back that gets lowered to the ground to create a like a ramp to which uses a winch to pull it up the ramp. Well, all the sudden there is clang and the winch fails as the car is almost all the way up. And right before our eyes we see the car roll down the ramp and smack with this huge crunch right into another car.
And Vince and I both yell out in the most human of reactions of, “Ughhhh - that sucks.”
So the tow truck driver jumps out and shouts our some profanity and then resecures the car with the winch. And Vince and I are kinda waiting and looking, and say to each-other, do you think he’s going to leave a note, or just pretend it didn’t happen? And I just feel for the guy, in that moment he has that human conflict of choice, does he step up and take responsibility and the corresponding consequences, or does shirk his responsibility and hope to flee the consequences.

Now there is no real ambiguity here on what the right thing to do is, it’s to leave a note. My value system, I would venture to say that the value system of everyone here would say that leaving a note is the unquestionable right choice, not to mention what our legal system says we should do here. But, even though that is true, I feel for the guy because even if his value systems would say he should leave a note, it’s still a painful thing to do.

When I am being honest for myself SLIDE It’s hard to live in accordance to my values. I think part of the reason I felt for this guy so much was because I’ve been there, When I was 18 I once scraped a car while parking and then left without leaving a note. I failed to live up to my values, not because I am a terrible person, but because sometimes living up to our value system is really hard.
So here is a little context to that day I left without leaving a note I was living in Australia doing an internship with a church there, and I had no money and no one I know outside of that church within thousands of miles. And when I scraped that car, I was driving the church van, the same church van that one month prior on a windy day, I had parked on top of a hill, without the handbrake, on. And when I came back to get this van, parked on top of a hill, on a windy day, with no handbrake on. It was no where to be found. Until I looked at the bottom of the hill, where the church van was resting up against a telephone pole.
We got the van towed out and got it fixed. But, after it was fixed, the pastor of the church pulled me aside and told me, I was on my last leg, if something like this happened again, I was on my own, I would have to pay for it. And we’d have to reconsider my internship with the church. Maybe I should note here that this church and the pastors there were the healthiest. Not the safest feeling place to be. So, one month later, I was using this van to pick up used clothes that would be given out at our soup kitchen. And as I was parking outside of the salvation army to get these clothes, I scraped the car next to me.
And I want to say that I panicked, but the truth is I didn’t, I scraped that car and then thought. I should leave a note, that is the right thing to do, Everything about my value system would tell me to leave a note, but in that moment, when I thought of the pastor who had just told me that I was on my last leg. And then looked around to make sure no one saw me and I made the choice to leave. It was wrong of me to leave, no one else had to tell me that, my own values tell me that it was wrong of me, no excuse. But, in the pressure of that moment, I found making the choice in line with my values too hard.
And I would love to say, that is a one off story in my life, and after learning from that, ever since then I have been able to make the choices in my life that align with my values. But that is simply not true. And, it is not true because honestly life is hard, like really difficult, and often I fail to live up to my values, and not just operate on default, or out of fear, or self preservation. Like, I believe in climate change, and my values say that I should do everything I can to care for this planet, BUT I buy plastic water bottles, because it’s easier, and I’m too tired to care sometimes. Or, I love my brothers, and my values say that I should go out of my way to make sure my brothers know I care about them and am there for them, but one of my brothers had birthday in the end of October, and I didn’t even send him a text, because I didn’t remember which day it was and I was too consumed by my own responsibility to take the time and check, and then reach out to him.

(PAUSE)

I wonder What higher values do you want to live by? Honesty? Loyalty/faithfulness to friends or family? Responsibility to your world? Care for your neighbor… care for the stranger? These are incredible things about you — they are some of your best qualities — AND it is okay to struggle to live up to them — it is okay if you find them hard, if you fail sometimes to live up to them What do you find hard in living up to your higher values? I wonder if coming to mind for you are any stories of failing along these lines?

(PAUSE)

Here is the way Jesus talked about this.

SLIDE Matthew 7 13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

That’s really [powerful/beautiful/something?] to me. I think Jesus, here, is deeply resonating with the difficulty of living life in accordance to our values - it IS a narrow gate - we don’t always find it, right? And it IS soooo much easier, the path IS so much wider that leads us away from our higher values, and toward our default settings, the status quo, the same old same old

I think Jesus really gets it.

SLIDE - Narrow gate Slide

Now, we should note, there are some common interpretations of this passage that I think are actually at odds with what I think Jesus is trying to communicate. One is taking Jesus out of context to create a hero complex for yourself or for people in your “in” group- I have heard American Christians refer to this passage to say they of course are on the narrow path and all others are on the broad road. The problem I’ve seen with this is that it seems to create some sort of false persecution or hero complex. Only a few of us are actually walking the right path, which of course is I am, and bravo to me for walking this narrow and difficult road despite all the persecution I experience as a Christian in America . But, here is the deal - self identifying as a Christian in America is not a narrow path, it is a very broad one. Even with people, particularly younger people, leaving the church in increasing numbers, 65% of Americans still identify as Christian. If we are just talking about our religious identification, there is no way that just echoing the identification of 65% of Americans can be considered the narrow path for the few. I don’t think this passage is actually trying to address that, When according to the Pew Research center 79% of americans just identity with the same religion as their parents, let’s not relegate this passage to some sort of self congratulations for reaffirming our own cultural frameworks. The other common interpretation of Jesus’ words here that misses the point is taking this as a scare tactic. You better be careful because this is a narrow path, that only few find, if you get wrong or mess up, you could be doomed for the broad path of death. This passage, read this way, fed into my own internal reservations to question my faith as I was growing up. Am I at risk of falling off the path, if so, I better be careful and fall in line and not ask too many questions.

But Jesus is doing nothing of the sort here. We should receive words here as resonating with us, not as wagging his finger at us.

I think of my time in Australia — it was an experience of finger wagging from an authority that closed me off to the narrow gate — made me MORE likely to choose the wide gate.

Jesus knows what we actually need (understanding, encouragement, resonance) to live out our higher values, to choose the narrow gate.

That’s my first takeaway for us this morning: Jesus trains us to expect understanding from God, not shame So, one thing that I think is close to universally true about being a parent is that you will do something that does not line up with you values. Whether you are driven there by lack of sleep, or patience, or energy, there are just times when you yell at your child, or give them an ipad when they have already had enough screen time. Now, I had talked to enough parents before having my kids that I was little prepared for this, but what I was not completely prepared for was how frequently I would feel judged as a parent. That when I did yell at my child who is melting down at the store, that I would also have the joy of judgmental looks by other people shaking their heads at me. Or when I am in a group of parents and I tell them about giving my child an ipad and then feel the judgment in how they tell me that they never give their kids ipads, that their kids practice quite mediation or something when their having a hard time. Those experiences have never drawn me closer to living according to my higher parenting values — they have made me feel shut down, isolated, ashamed — pretty much assuring I’m insecure and unable to operate carefully next time I’m in a similar situation. However, at other times I have experienced something different
I have also experienced been in a store with a kid melting down to have another adult come over and just say, I’ve been there, you’re doing great. Or I’ve told my friend about giving my child an ipad and having them say, I totally get it, that’s really hard. These were experiences of empathy, of connection. They assured me I’m not alone, that I am okay, and that no single experience I have in parenting tells the whole story of my parenting. If living in more accordance with my parenting values is my goal, I need empathy and connection, not shame I think back to when I was 18 and scratched that car and didn’t leave a note. That is something I felt terrible about later. And I remember about a year later telling a friend about what had happened, and I was expecting some judgement from him, but instead his face just softened, and he said, “That sounds really hard, I am really sorry about that” and he gave me a hug. Now, I feel like Jesus was working through my friend, meeting me with understanding and grace. was it still wrong of me to do what I did, yes absolutely, I can’t change the past, but since that experience with this friend, I have become a more honest person — someone who lives the value of honesty more thoroughly. Shame from the pastor who told me I was on my last leg compounded the problem for me — but understanding from a friend led to growth of my character

It is understanding and empathy you will get from the God Jesus shows us. NOT shame. Unfortunately, a lot of religious messaging trains us to expect God’s tone is the tone of the judgmental parents, but I encourage you to try to listen to Jesus instead! It takes some vulnerability to test that, to put yourself in front of God and not hide what you’re not proud of. But I think you’ll find Jesus is right. And the more experiences you have to confirm that, the more you will train yourself to expect understanding from God, not shame. You won’t have to psyche yourself up to believe it. It will come naturally to you. And that is when a relationship with God can really take off, because that is called trust.

My second takeaway is this: Through prayer, Jesus offers real-time help in moments of choice. This is one of the most practical benefits of a prayer life for me — when I am faced with narrow v broad path choices, to leave a note or not, I have found quick prayers asking for Jesus to help me really make a difference. This last week came home from work one day and was just really tired, and my son wanted to play with me, but I was just beat. And in that moment I just wanted to hand him the ipad so I could get a break, but I also knew that my big picture values wanted to play with him, and so I took a moment and laid down and prayed, “help me walk this narrow path, help me see why I want to walk this narrow path.” and these specific words were in my head chiefly because I had been preparing for this talk, but, although I may not always use this specific language, I frequently pray for God to help me follow through and help me see the bigger picture. So, I got up and we wrestled, and I was really really happy I did, not only did my son like it, it was a moment of connection and I felt free, satisfied that I was able to a bit closer to the man I want to be. I have been helped by praying for God to help me see the life in walking the narrow path, because so often, the challenge in making the choice that aligns with my values is a matter of perspective, a matter of seeing that as hard as that choice is, it is the path towards life.

Stand with me